Unfinished Business

Those who have been reading my blog for a while know the journey I had to make about a good 6 years ago to obtain my MBA. It's been a while now, but I am extremely happy to share with you all that I have finally gotten my MBA from a US university. It all feels surreal now, the plans, the pains, the sacrifices, the disappointments, the failures, all for one success. And it's worth it. To a normal Joe, this is indeed a normal feat, of course every other Indian is now getting an international MBA. From outside, that's whats I would think too, but now that I have made the journey myself, I understand how it is; I understand what it means. And I wish to congratulate everyone who has accomplished it.

I made so many plans and calculations in the last 5 years. It is always wonderful when a certain plan bears fruition; it's good to be right. I love planning. But the problem was, I never planned what I would do after MBA. For me, getting to US to pursue MBA was the ultimate goal. Having accomplished that, I now am fiddling my thumbs what to do. Oh wait, job hunt. Well, that's a different story altogether.

But I do feel that there is some unfinished business in my life. It was great to have one goal and work towards that. But now I see it, my life is going to be a series of goals until my final breath. I am not sure whether I like it or not, I am sure this is the only way I am going to live my life. But I look back, and each new goal is comparatively harder to achieve than the previous one. May be my expectations have increased, may be I am thinking too much about myself or just may be I am fantasizing a bit too much; doesn't seem to matter.

The only problem (I am gonna get nicely for calling this a "problem" from "someone") is that my journey from now on might not be alone. Is this good or bad, I have no idea, having spent all of my existence in an "eternal bachelor" lifestyle. Or is this due to bad pick-up skills, I have no idea (Thank god for the arranged marriage!). Let's see how far I've come...let's see how far I'll go.

The uneligible bachelor

After an extremely demanding year of studies, work and travel, I finally got a chance to meet my family and friends after a year's gap. There's nothing like home. Chennai has changed so much but not the people. So far I  have spent a good amount of time catching up with relatives and friends. When you are 28 years old, more often than not, so are your friends. And more often that not, they have got a family of their own. Before, it was so easy to have dinner with friends. Now not so much. I am not afraid to say this out loud (I know my blog's patronage!). But I am extremely happy to see that the number of seats has increased at the table.

Having said that, the first question is always "so when is your time?" I wish I knew the answer. I mean, good luck trying to find a bride for an 28 year old unemployed student. It's not that people haven't been trying, but you got to admit, there aren't many options. And the "US-returned" tag aint worth much anymore. That's the problem of jumping late in the bandwagon. But if there is any teeny tiny good thing that has come out of this situation, it is this: I am not that scared of getting committed. Well, I am indeed afraid even now, but many of the fears and reservations that I had of getting into a relationship have kind of subdued now. Having said THAT, one should be extremely careful in getting into a commitment with the specimen that is Riaz. In fact, you don't have to look much beyond this blog to get an idea as to what kind of nut case I am. If you happen to know if someone's interested, please do warn them.

I can read you..well almost.

One of the oft-quoted wisdom goes something like this, "Don't forget how you were when you were nothing when you are someone." Many of us, including me, have been at fault sometimes of being "smug" when we should not have been. It's a human vanity.More often than not, it doesn't work. It shouldn't technically as we are trying to equate behaviors or two extremes. I tell you, people are drastically different than they are usually when they want something, something urgent and important. You would have had a few episodes of such situations both as an actor and as an observer. The behaviors that they portray normally are either amplified or nullified when they are nothing and in need of something. On the other hand, when the same person achieves what he wants, he ceases to be a ..er. dick? and starts exhibits normal behavior. Just like when someone's prayers are answered.

In my opinion, its unfair to consider their behaviors in those situations as benchmark. It is hardly. The benchmark should be when we are content. I believe that when we are content, we exhibit our normal behavior that should be considered benchmark. When we have nothing, we tend to be subservient in order to gain what we wish for. Long story short, I have come to realize that people are not as pleasant or as rude as they would be generally, as long as we don't need any favors from them.

Pause

Have you ever taken a break from a work such as folding your clothes or eating dinner in order to attend something and someone, and only to realize that the clothes aren't there anymore, or the food has vanished when you are back? Of course not. (But if you have, there are many talk shows willing to take that story). But life and its partner-in-crime time work differently. I have left my "laundry", but I think that it wont be there when I go back to attend it. A lot has changed in the past year, some for the good and some not. And that's how the life is, and one its of many vagaries that are beyond our control. The only thing we can control is us and our behavior and reaction to the situation.

Chennai isn't Chennai anymore. Not so long ago I could enjoy a leisurely ride, good food at reasonable price and a quite time at the beach. None of them is possible now; the landscape is unrecognizable now. And then the gang is broken, and whoever is left now has to work on their adjustment to the change: family commitments. And all the little ones are so grown up; "Riaz anna" is no longed required. Sniff sniff. (No, I am not smelling anything). And of course, I would have to get "settled" soon. Sheesh!

So the question becomes, do I redefine myself or try to make the best of those things that are still in tact? I'll tell you one thing; it's not easy to let go of one's past, especially when it has been one of the best rides I'll ever get. When I grew up, there was a pleasant sense of solidity to the future. You do something, and you can say pretty much confidently how you will end up. You could plan your entire life out, hell, you can even predict where your kids are going to school. Not so much now, there is cloud of unpredictability around the future now. You can't even be sure if you'll be in the same job one year from now!

I hate this phase, right now, this moment. I am 29 years old, but have always been a kid at heart trying to live and relive all the good things. I guess no more I could afford this luxury. Will I make something for myself or would I end up having a lifetime of mediocrity, I am not sure. What I am sure is, I'll soon have to make an important decision, may be many important decisions in which I have to decide what/whom to keep and what/whom to leave behind as I move on with my life. Because a few things, things that have been dear to me, HAVE to be collateral damage in the pursuit of life. And the worst part is, there is no going back. The mistake I will make, will stay a mistake forever, and I'll live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

Perhaps this is the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about, but I always thought that happens only when you are 40! I am really curious as to what I would write in my blog one year from now.