The wise guy

Getting older stopped being fun as soon as I turned 18 as pretty much anything I did after that age could have been done a tad sooner. I would have liked to have done what I did last year about 2 to 3 years earlier. Living alone, abroad and away from everything I have known, even for a short time, provided me a new perspective, and surprisingly, brought out a few qualities in me, qualities I thought I never had or bothered to look upon. In the past 1 year, I have lived and travelled alone, cooked, cleaned my house, paid utility bills, bought groceries, and so many other little things that I thought I would never have to be bothered ever. And I wished I had managed to do all that just a few years before. But I guess there is time and place for everything. I look at the year passed, and can't remember any other duration in which I had so many life altering experiences in my 28 years of existence. For someone who has never been away from family, or a stone's throw away from any of my friends, living alone so far away has made me to appreciate how blessed I am to have had them mould me into the man I am today.

The last year also marked a resurrection of the extemporaneous life, a way of living that I haven't been able to experience for sometime  now. For some years, I have always been a man with a plan, or plans in some cases, the kind of guy who likes to strike off the items from the list, the kind who knows what he is going to be doing even 7-8 months ahead. The last item on my list was study abroad. Now that is done, I am just living blissfully ignorant before I go about making a new list that is probably going to consume the rest of my living years. Planning for the future is not easy and it is definitely not fun. As you grow older, and if you are as old as I am, by this time you would understand what you can, or more importantly, what you can't do. And when you come to realize the things you can't or won't be able to do, it is a bittersweet farewell to them.

கிருக்கல்

நீ அழகின் மொத்தம் என்று சொல்லி
அந்த பரஹ்மன் வைத்தான் முற்று புள்ளி
உதட்டோரதில் மச்சம்.

(...inspired by a song and a person...)

Are you talking to me?

One of the pivotal moments in the Star Wars franchise is when Master Yoda recommends the Jedi council to not elevate Anakin Skywalker as a Jedi Master because Yoda had sensed darkness inside Anakin. Now how that pissed Anakin off, eventually leading to a series of events that makes him the Darth Vader is a segue to what I wish to talk about. My mind is fixated on the powers of Master Yoda, especially to read or at least discern  people's  thoughts and emotions. My wish is based on a simple necessity; many a time I wish I knew what someone is actually thinking even though what they say otherwise.


Since school, I have tried my level best to be a nice boy, always a teachers pet, always a pet to my friends' parents (much to my friends chagrin) and someone who could be an example. It was fine, when I was kid, I hanged out with other kids and they pretty much don't give a darn about all that. If they don't like you, they just tell it your face. When I was a kid, I knew who my friends and enemies were. And as I grew older, it became hard to know either of those. The problem with getting old is, the stakes become higher. We live in a society where a normal person just cannot afford to have enemies because our fights are not honorable, or we just don't fight fairly.  It is fine, and even "tactically right" to not let know what you think of someone. And its perfectly fine to talk to their backs. I am no psychologist, but I am sure we "civilized" humans avoid confrontation as much as possible. But I think we have some broken compass that points to standing-up and avoidance. Apart from the spineless existence that is accompanied by being a pussy, you are also left to be ridiculed in many permutations. You think you are safe? You are the one getting verbal bashing in your absence.


Many books have been written to identify certain ticks or "giveaways" in a person's that would help to read what he/she is thinking. But not many are gifted to that extent. Heck a few of us wouldn't realize if someone lies to our face, with a laugh track on the side and a card saying "you are a jerk." But sometime we do get to know when we are made fools. And when that happens, it leaves a bad aftertaste. So here I am, raising a toast, to all my enemies (you know who you are), for letting me know whats in your mind and what you think of me. Even though I don't like you, I respect you for what you are.

Yaaawn - 2

So I go back home tired just wanting to have some hot tea, and my mom comes out and says, "Ok Riaz I have found a girl for you." I jump right out of my slumber. So many different thoughts were going through my head. I can't get married now, I am not ready. I tell, "mom, whats the hurry now, I am just getting to start my career." "No Riaz, you are 29 now and its about time. Your dad and I have decided, and we think that this girl would be really suitable for you. We have almost finalized the alliance, and all I require from you is to say yes and we will proceed."

I started to sweat profusely. I wasn't ready for this. Given the fact that I am too old and fat to run behind a girl, I have resigned to the fact that my marriage will be arranged. I act as if I have a choice, I don't but that's a moot point now. I get all panicky every time I am reminded about marriage, or the concept of it. To be spending and sharing with someone, is indeed a weird thing for me. Heck, I don't even like to share my bed, how will I share my life. I am not a big romantic but I do like to know someone really well before I commit to that person. On the other hand, it would also behoove well for "that" person to know me well before she likes to commit to the specimen that is me. All my dear friends would vouch for the trial period, knowing my idiosyncrasies.

"Mom, don't you think that this is a bit hasty? I mean, whats the hurry now. You didn't even tell me that you had this thought!" "I have been saying this to you for years, and you never give due attention. I have decided. Now there is someone from girl's side here. If you have any questions you can ask." I scream, "are you crazy? You actually have someone here?!!! And you didn't even think of letting me know when I was I coming home." "Well, if I had told you before, you would not have come home", she told as a matter of fact. I thought, "oh well, thats true."

I am going to meet someone from the bride's side. Crap, "bride's" side, this is indeed really happening. In as much as I say anything, I am pretty sure that my parents (when I say parents, I mean my mom) have already made up their minds, and this would be THE family I would be entering into. I have always been appreciative of my mom. We come from a real conservative society, but she has always given me my freedom, keeping my interests first before anything and anyone else, thus being on the receiving side on quite a few family gatherings. When it is a norm for a guy to get married at 24-25 age in our circle, my mom let me do what I want with my career. She was really supportive of my intent to pursue higher studies, obvious, as she is the one who instilled the fire to gain knowledge ever since I was a kid. Almost everyone was against my decision to leave a plump job behind and go abroad to study amidst volatile economy, but my mom supported me, albeit with tears, as she knew what I want. Of course, mom knows the best.

But this, this is BIG. So I get into the bathroom first to freshen up, obviously, I'd at least try to make a good impression. I was still sweating, but I came out eventually, and mom took me to the living room where one of the soon-to-be "extended family" was waiting. "Riaz, this is...." I didn't pay attention to the name or anything else as I was busy trying to size up my "opponent." Probably a sister or cousin of the bride, I thought, definitely the one with more voice and inquisitive of the lot as lots of information had to go back to the headquarters where the parents and the bride are. She extended her hand, I just managed to blurt of an hi, still caught with the myriad of things inside my head. A wrong thing to do, I thought afterwards; I just came out a bit crude.

I told," You want to get out somewhere, probably to terrace or balcony where we can talk in private." I could see in my mom's eyes that she didn't approve of my request, but she kept to herself , so both of us came out. I felt as if I had just got out of a pressure cooker. There was so much I want to shout out. She looked at me and said, "momma's boy huh!" I got so angry. I said, "look you don't know me well enough to judge me. So please don't." "Ok, ok, I am sorry. I was just joking you know. So marriage uh. It is a big deal." I replied, "It is, thank you."

"Look, Your mom thought I could help you out and so I am here to answer any questions you have about the bride or our family. Don't consider me an outsider. Ask as if you'd ask a friend." After getting calmed a little bit, I asked, "look, you sound like a smart person. Do you think it is fair that such a big decision in my life is being made, and I am not even a part of it?" She said, "even your mom sounds to be smart. I think whatever decision she makes would be the right choice for you." I reply, "I know, I know. Whatever she has done has been for my benefit all these years. But this, this is just overwhelming. I mean to think that I would be spending the rest of my life with someone, that feeling is not sinking in. How would you feel if something like this happened to you?"

"I will be overwhelmed too. A lot in fact. But if I know that the person is nice, I would be eager to start my life again with him." Impressed, but I still had some doubts. Someone from family looks intelligent, hopefully the bride will be too. And then I just asked bluntly, "look you think it is fair that I'd have to say yes to this alliance, without meeting the girl. I'd love to talk to her, at least some, make sure that she likes me, don't you think that it's important?" She said, "It is very important indeed. But I think the girl would like you, I have no doubt." I retorted, "see people's preferences differ. Plus, I would like to ask that to the girl personally, not through any third party. And I have a few personal questions to ask to the bride too; know her well, or at least some." She replied, "That is perfectly fine. So go on, ask me." She smiled.

Suddenly, I understood the gravity of what she said, and comprehended the smile on her face. The feeling of confusion and stupidity was way too much to bear, and I just faintly remember coming back to my senses, with her name being the first question I asked.

And then I came back to senses for real. No doubt, I was sporting a smile the whole day. Finally I got to meet my dream girl. For real!

Based on a true dream, not so long ago. And it is not real. And it is not a true story. And I am not engaged (as yet). Sheesh!!!