I can read you..well almost.

One of the oft-quoted wisdom goes something like this, "Don't forget how you were when you were nothing when you are someone." Many of us, including me, have been at fault sometimes of being "smug" when we should not have been. It's a human vanity.More often than not, it doesn't work. It shouldn't technically as we are trying to equate behaviors or two extremes. I tell you, people are drastically different than they are usually when they want something, something urgent and important. You would have had a few episodes of such situations both as an actor and as an observer. The behaviors that they portray normally are either amplified or nullified when they are nothing and in need of something. On the other hand, when the same person achieves what he wants, he ceases to be a ..er. dick? and starts exhibits normal behavior. Just like when someone's prayers are answered.

In my opinion, its unfair to consider their behaviors in those situations as benchmark. It is hardly. The benchmark should be when we are content. I believe that when we are content, we exhibit our normal behavior that should be considered benchmark. When we have nothing, we tend to be subservient in order to gain what we wish for. Long story short, I have come to realize that people are not as pleasant or as rude as they would be generally, as long as we don't need any favors from them.

Pause

Have you ever taken a break from a work such as folding your clothes or eating dinner in order to attend something and someone, and only to realize that the clothes aren't there anymore, or the food has vanished when you are back? Of course not. (But if you have, there are many talk shows willing to take that story). But life and its partner-in-crime time work differently. I have left my "laundry", but I think that it wont be there when I go back to attend it. A lot has changed in the past year, some for the good and some not. And that's how the life is, and one its of many vagaries that are beyond our control. The only thing we can control is us and our behavior and reaction to the situation.

Chennai isn't Chennai anymore. Not so long ago I could enjoy a leisurely ride, good food at reasonable price and a quite time at the beach. None of them is possible now; the landscape is unrecognizable now. And then the gang is broken, and whoever is left now has to work on their adjustment to the change: family commitments. And all the little ones are so grown up; "Riaz anna" is no longed required. Sniff sniff. (No, I am not smelling anything). And of course, I would have to get "settled" soon. Sheesh!

So the question becomes, do I redefine myself or try to make the best of those things that are still in tact? I'll tell you one thing; it's not easy to let go of one's past, especially when it has been one of the best rides I'll ever get. When I grew up, there was a pleasant sense of solidity to the future. You do something, and you can say pretty much confidently how you will end up. You could plan your entire life out, hell, you can even predict where your kids are going to school. Not so much now, there is cloud of unpredictability around the future now. You can't even be sure if you'll be in the same job one year from now!

I hate this phase, right now, this moment. I am 29 years old, but have always been a kid at heart trying to live and relive all the good things. I guess no more I could afford this luxury. Will I make something for myself or would I end up having a lifetime of mediocrity, I am not sure. What I am sure is, I'll soon have to make an important decision, may be many important decisions in which I have to decide what/whom to keep and what/whom to leave behind as I move on with my life. Because a few things, things that have been dear to me, HAVE to be collateral damage in the pursuit of life. And the worst part is, there is no going back. The mistake I will make, will stay a mistake forever, and I'll live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

Perhaps this is the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about, but I always thought that happens only when you are 40! I am really curious as to what I would write in my blog one year from now.

The wise guy

Getting older stopped being fun as soon as I turned 18 as pretty much anything I did after that age could have been done a tad sooner. I would have liked to have done what I did last year about 2 to 3 years earlier. Living alone, abroad and away from everything I have known, even for a short time, provided me a new perspective, and surprisingly, brought out a few qualities in me, qualities I thought I never had or bothered to look upon. In the past 1 year, I have lived and travelled alone, cooked, cleaned my house, paid utility bills, bought groceries, and so many other little things that I thought I would never have to be bothered ever. And I wished I had managed to do all that just a few years before. But I guess there is time and place for everything. I look at the year passed, and can't remember any other duration in which I had so many life altering experiences in my 28 years of existence. For someone who has never been away from family, or a stone's throw away from any of my friends, living alone so far away has made me to appreciate how blessed I am to have had them mould me into the man I am today.

The last year also marked a resurrection of the extemporaneous life, a way of living that I haven't been able to experience for sometime  now. For some years, I have always been a man with a plan, or plans in some cases, the kind of guy who likes to strike off the items from the list, the kind who knows what he is going to be doing even 7-8 months ahead. The last item on my list was study abroad. Now that is done, I am just living blissfully ignorant before I go about making a new list that is probably going to consume the rest of my living years. Planning for the future is not easy and it is definitely not fun. As you grow older, and if you are as old as I am, by this time you would understand what you can, or more importantly, what you can't do. And when you come to realize the things you can't or won't be able to do, it is a bittersweet farewell to them.

கிருக்கல்

நீ அழகின் மொத்தம் என்று சொல்லி
அந்த பரஹ்மன் வைத்தான் முற்று புள்ளி
உதட்டோரதில் மச்சம்.

(...inspired by a song and a person...)