Pause

Have you ever taken a break from a work such as folding your clothes or eating dinner in order to attend something and someone, and only to realize that the clothes aren't there anymore, or the food has vanished when you are back? Of course not. (But if you have, there are many talk shows willing to take that story). But life and its partner-in-crime time work differently. I have left my "laundry", but I think that it wont be there when I go back to attend it. A lot has changed in the past year, some for the good and some not. And that's how the life is, and one its of many vagaries that are beyond our control. The only thing we can control is us and our behavior and reaction to the situation.

Chennai isn't Chennai anymore. Not so long ago I could enjoy a leisurely ride, good food at reasonable price and a quite time at the beach. None of them is possible now; the landscape is unrecognizable now. And then the gang is broken, and whoever is left now has to work on their adjustment to the change: family commitments. And all the little ones are so grown up; "Riaz anna" is no longed required. Sniff sniff. (No, I am not smelling anything). And of course, I would have to get "settled" soon. Sheesh!

So the question becomes, do I redefine myself or try to make the best of those things that are still in tact? I'll tell you one thing; it's not easy to let go of one's past, especially when it has been one of the best rides I'll ever get. When I grew up, there was a pleasant sense of solidity to the future. You do something, and you can say pretty much confidently how you will end up. You could plan your entire life out, hell, you can even predict where your kids are going to school. Not so much now, there is cloud of unpredictability around the future now. You can't even be sure if you'll be in the same job one year from now!

I hate this phase, right now, this moment. I am 29 years old, but have always been a kid at heart trying to live and relive all the good things. I guess no more I could afford this luxury. Will I make something for myself or would I end up having a lifetime of mediocrity, I am not sure. What I am sure is, I'll soon have to make an important decision, may be many important decisions in which I have to decide what/whom to keep and what/whom to leave behind as I move on with my life. Because a few things, things that have been dear to me, HAVE to be collateral damage in the pursuit of life. And the worst part is, there is no going back. The mistake I will make, will stay a mistake forever, and I'll live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

Perhaps this is the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about, but I always thought that happens only when you are 40! I am really curious as to what I would write in my blog one year from now.

Are you talking to me?

One of the pivotal moments in the Star Wars franchise is when Master Yoda recommends the Jedi council to not elevate Anakin Skywalker as a Jedi Master because Yoda had sensed darkness inside Anakin. Now how that pissed Anakin off, eventually leading to a series of events that makes him the Darth Vader is a segue to what I wish to talk about. My mind is fixated on the powers of Master Yoda, especially to read or at least discern  people's  thoughts and emotions. My wish is based on a simple necessity; many a time I wish I knew what someone is actually thinking even though what they say otherwise.


Since school, I have tried my level best to be a nice boy, always a teachers pet, always a pet to my friends' parents (much to my friends chagrin) and someone who could be an example. It was fine, when I was kid, I hanged out with other kids and they pretty much don't give a darn about all that. If they don't like you, they just tell it your face. When I was a kid, I knew who my friends and enemies were. And as I grew older, it became hard to know either of those. The problem with getting old is, the stakes become higher. We live in a society where a normal person just cannot afford to have enemies because our fights are not honorable, or we just don't fight fairly.  It is fine, and even "tactically right" to not let know what you think of someone. And its perfectly fine to talk to their backs. I am no psychologist, but I am sure we "civilized" humans avoid confrontation as much as possible. But I think we have some broken compass that points to standing-up and avoidance. Apart from the spineless existence that is accompanied by being a pussy, you are also left to be ridiculed in many permutations. You think you are safe? You are the one getting verbal bashing in your absence.


Many books have been written to identify certain ticks or "giveaways" in a person's that would help to read what he/she is thinking. But not many are gifted to that extent. Heck a few of us wouldn't realize if someone lies to our face, with a laugh track on the side and a card saying "you are a jerk." But sometime we do get to know when we are made fools. And when that happens, it leaves a bad aftertaste. So here I am, raising a toast, to all my enemies (you know who you are), for letting me know whats in your mind and what you think of me. Even though I don't like you, I respect you for what you are.

Count your friends before you hatch.

"How many friends do you have?" If someone had asked this question at various stages in my life, I would have given varied answers. Around 150 -- when I was in middle school, about 50 -- when I was in junior high, about 20 -- when I finished school. I am not talking about the status the facebook gives to the contacts in the network. I am talking about those, who stood through thick and thin, mostly thin, over the years. Now you honestly tell me how many of those you know will you tag as "friends." The count has more or less remained constant to this day. In the first 15 years of my life, I had met 90% of people who would be my life long friends no matter what. Even if I get to meet any of them after a decade, I bet we would still talk in the way we used to do. On the other hand, I have been a lot more uncomfortable with certain people with whom I had to share my daily existence in the near past.


I always tell that it is so easy to make friends while one is a kid. There are almost no requirements to become friends with someone; same pencil box - Friends!, same school bag - Friends, near by - Friends. In fact, the reasons to become enemies with someone is as silly and as irrelevant as it is to become friends with one. The favo dialogue I grew up with: "missss, he is pinching me." We became friends and enemies LIKE THAT.When I was in school -- kinder garden and middle -- my classmates were either my friends or enemies. There was no middle line. I knew everyone, likewise, everyone knew me. We were innocent, laughed at the most innocuous of the jokes, played harder than ever, collectively afraid of our teacher, and stuck together -- no matter what. We never asked anything from each other. It didn't matter who was someone's father, how much lunch money he/she had, whether he/she looked good, or if the person had enough potential to succeed.

It amazes me how little we do nowadays to keep in touch with our friends. Yes, I am talking about this time -- the era of SMSes, googles, facebooks, twitters and what not. It is now appropriate to wish someone's birthday or anniversary via a scrap or on a wall; and its not just for those who are abroad or in a different city. I feel that we are sometimes forced to choose friends who happen to be near us just to keep us sane and safe from the grip of loneliness and depression. And this makes us to act in a way we are not used to or not supposed to. (A hyberbolic treatment of the same point in one of my earlier posts.) I wonder why has it become so difficult right now to make and keep friends. Nowadays I feel that relationships are formed on the basis of convenience. And it ends as soon as the location or any other scenery changes. Nobody seems to stick with anyone "till death do them part." A hundred friends on facebook or orkut, but no one to talk to when in need. Gone are the days when friends come to someone's home just for an aimless banter going for hours.

I ramble because I get a feeling that I will be away from my friends -- for a long time. If there has been one constant in my 27 years of existence, apart from the usual suspect a.k.a family, it is my friends. I can bet, you take every possession I have, my bank balance, my inheritance, anything -- and I can earn almost all of them back, and then some more. But if you take my friends, I am not sure if I would be able to find at least one who is of the same caliber. No offense, but you've got to meet them and you'll know that its an understatement.

I dedicate this post to all of my estranged friends with whom I now have little or no contact.

அழிவி னவைநீக்கி ஆறுய்த்து அழிவின்கண்
அல்லல் உழப்பதாம் நட்பு.

(Friendship from ruin saves, in way of virtue keeps;
In troubled time, it weeps with him who weeps.)

Purani Jeans

Thanks to Good Friday, I have got an extended weekend from Friday to Sunday. I decided to make the best use of Friday by hearing to all my favorite songs from the past. I was hearing to Rang de Basanti which brought my fond TCS memories. Suddenly I wish I could rewind three years of my life and get back to January 2006 where I had some of the best days of life. So analytical I have become nowadays that I decided to take this thought a step further and think about 10 things I most miss in my life now. These are the things I cannot have now for various reasons. I have already said about my TCS training life, so here is the rest of the list. They have just been put in random order as it occurred in my mind.
Till my tenth grade, I spend almost all of my days at my maternal grand dad’s place. That home was really awesome with 11-12 tenants, all of them having kids of my age. The terrace was flanked by others’ from all the four sides so it was easy to gather the neighbors and have a gala time, all the time! My school used to get over at 2:15 A.M.; I will come home, eat my lunch hurriedly and then scoot to the terrace to play cricket with almost 10-12 kids. This happened every day, from 6th grade till 10th grade. I was very good at studies (then…he he) so my parents let me have my way. Really miss this now! Plus, how can I afford to go to the terrace nowadays; it has become darn hot!
I miss my school! Almost all of my closest friends have been my buddies since school days. I spent my entire schooling at Gill Adarsh, right from kinder garden till my 12th grade. That’s 14 years of my life! Have many many many fond memories in there. My first “first rank”, the sports meets, the slap from SV (Gill Adarsh folks know whom I am talking about), the lovely teachers who really cared about us, the white and blue uniform, the blue house belt and many more. Gosh, how I wish I could have just one day of my school days back. I wish I could have this one return to innocence.
Madhuri Dixit! What an actress!! What a grace. My first crush from the tinsel town! Given the fact that my second crush was Emma Watson, you can imagine how hard it has been for the sexy ladies to fill in her shoes. The movie industry is yet to find a suitable replacement for her. Miss you Madhuri!!
Backstreet boys! Really, I ain’t joking. Back street boys’ songs were my entry into coolness during my pre-teen school days. I was a style statement just to have “everybodyyyaaaa” on our lips. They were also the first English band/song/group I listened to. My school buddies will tell you that I made them never forget the “I want it that way” from the Millennium. Miss the 90’s pop! the bboys, boy zone, nsync, bryan adams, take that, five, 98 degrees, aqua, britney, 911..so many of them!
The good old cartoon network! This will be my daily dose of cartoons every day before. 6:30 A.M. The perils of Penelope 7:00 A.M: Dexter Laboratory 7:30 A.M Tom and Jerry show 8:00 Power puff girls. I will go to school at 8:30. Our school prayers start at 7:50, so I will be outside the gate till it gets over. Late comers gets spanking with wooden scales from the P.D masters (after 11th grade it became push-up’s as our sweet princi felt it was inappropriate to hit grown up boys) And at 6:00 PM: Jonny Bravo, 6:30: the Sylvester and Tweety mysteries and at 7:00 P.M, the Dexter Lab rerun. The channel has become so sucky now with all nonsensical stuff. There were some kick ass animated series before. The things that immediately come to mind are the batman: the animated series, Johnny Quest, captain planet etc. Ben 10 is ok now, but the quality has stooped to abysmal levels.
The Kick I got from online chat. Like most of the pre-teen people, I too got bitten by the internet bug. It was a style statement to have an e-mail address. The one who had a chat friend was the hero! Every day I used to chat, it cost some cool 50 bucks for one hour then. French tuition fees, physics tuition fees, chemistry tuition fees and whatever money we could gather were pooled so that we can afford to live this “lavish life style.” Balaji and Ashwath were my partners in crime. This mania continued till my second year in college. Most of the relationships were pretty much use and throw types, but some of them have stuck with me till now. After 2 years, I got onto yahoo chat last week, and my latest online “friend” is a “Sania” from Malaysia.
The cycle ride to school :)
The good ol’ video game. I have a 62k laptop now with 2GB RAM, 256MB Nvidia gforce 8600MGT graphics card with direct 10x enabled. But whatever games I play with it, the fun was nothing compared to the enjoyment I had with the Mario game in the console. Spent hours and days and weeks before that darn thing.
Adarsh Vidyalaya. The answer to all-boys Gill Adarsh school. Our arch nemesis. The lady devils. The beauties. The brains. The angels in skirts. Whatever you call them, they made our school days so memorable! The kick is gone now. Thank God for that, coz if it weren’t, it would be really creepy.
I hated my college. I really do. Ever since the first day I landed there, all I was expecting was for the last day to come. But the journey to college was the best thing ever. I used to commute by train. There are some 13-15 colleges in the same route, so all the trains from 6:50 A.M till 8:00 A.M from central station will be packed with college students. Had lotta great ideas, had lotta fights, had lotta burns and well, had a great time!
Wow! You know, when I finished writing this list, I feel really rejuvenated. What a journey it has been! Really awesome!! If you are reading this post, do put the things you miss the most now in the comments section. A word of advice from my experience; cherish your memories, but don’t try to live it again. Move forward with life for there are so many realms to conquer and make new memories, good memories.

Till my next post, Adios! Perhaps I will come up with a list of things that I am glad for going out of my life ;)