Pause

Have you ever taken a break from a work such as folding your clothes or eating dinner in order to attend something and someone, and only to realize that the clothes aren't there anymore, or the food has vanished when you are back? Of course not. (But if you have, there are many talk shows willing to take that story). But life and its partner-in-crime time work differently. I have left my "laundry", but I think that it wont be there when I go back to attend it. A lot has changed in the past year, some for the good and some not. And that's how the life is, and one its of many vagaries that are beyond our control. The only thing we can control is us and our behavior and reaction to the situation.

Chennai isn't Chennai anymore. Not so long ago I could enjoy a leisurely ride, good food at reasonable price and a quite time at the beach. None of them is possible now; the landscape is unrecognizable now. And then the gang is broken, and whoever is left now has to work on their adjustment to the change: family commitments. And all the little ones are so grown up; "Riaz anna" is no longed required. Sniff sniff. (No, I am not smelling anything). And of course, I would have to get "settled" soon. Sheesh!

So the question becomes, do I redefine myself or try to make the best of those things that are still in tact? I'll tell you one thing; it's not easy to let go of one's past, especially when it has been one of the best rides I'll ever get. When I grew up, there was a pleasant sense of solidity to the future. You do something, and you can say pretty much confidently how you will end up. You could plan your entire life out, hell, you can even predict where your kids are going to school. Not so much now, there is cloud of unpredictability around the future now. You can't even be sure if you'll be in the same job one year from now!

I hate this phase, right now, this moment. I am 29 years old, but have always been a kid at heart trying to live and relive all the good things. I guess no more I could afford this luxury. Will I make something for myself or would I end up having a lifetime of mediocrity, I am not sure. What I am sure is, I'll soon have to make an important decision, may be many important decisions in which I have to decide what/whom to keep and what/whom to leave behind as I move on with my life. Because a few things, things that have been dear to me, HAVE to be collateral damage in the pursuit of life. And the worst part is, there is no going back. The mistake I will make, will stay a mistake forever, and I'll live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

Perhaps this is the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about, but I always thought that happens only when you are 40! I am really curious as to what I would write in my blog one year from now.

The wise guy

Getting older stopped being fun as soon as I turned 18 as pretty much anything I did after that age could have been done a tad sooner. I would have liked to have done what I did last year about 2 to 3 years earlier. Living alone, abroad and away from everything I have known, even for a short time, provided me a new perspective, and surprisingly, brought out a few qualities in me, qualities I thought I never had or bothered to look upon. In the past 1 year, I have lived and travelled alone, cooked, cleaned my house, paid utility bills, bought groceries, and so many other little things that I thought I would never have to be bothered ever. And I wished I had managed to do all that just a few years before. But I guess there is time and place for everything. I look at the year passed, and can't remember any other duration in which I had so many life altering experiences in my 28 years of existence. For someone who has never been away from family, or a stone's throw away from any of my friends, living alone so far away has made me to appreciate how blessed I am to have had them mould me into the man I am today.

The last year also marked a resurrection of the extemporaneous life, a way of living that I haven't been able to experience for sometime  now. For some years, I have always been a man with a plan, or plans in some cases, the kind of guy who likes to strike off the items from the list, the kind who knows what he is going to be doing even 7-8 months ahead. The last item on my list was study abroad. Now that is done, I am just living blissfully ignorant before I go about making a new list that is probably going to consume the rest of my living years. Planning for the future is not easy and it is definitely not fun. As you grow older, and if you are as old as I am, by this time you would understand what you can, or more importantly, what you can't do. And when you come to realize the things you can't or won't be able to do, it is a bittersweet farewell to them.

Yaaawn.

Ever since my last outrageous dream-slash-nightmare only to not remember that in full after I woke up, I told myself that as soon as I wake up from a similar experience, I would note it down and may be start a chronicle of sorts. Today was one of those days, and I thought I'd give you a glimpse as to what is happening inside my head, even when I am not aware of it.

Ok...so I have to skip the first episode, as it is, well, between someone and me, so I'll jump to the  next one.

This one, is straight out of a Spielberg Movie. So I was in this airport with my friends in Chennai. But this ain't the Chennai airport. In fact, even the best of the international airports I have seen don't come close to whats about to happen inside this airport. First of all, like all dreams we have no idea where were we before the airport episode. Second, I have no idea why are we there; we sure didn't receive anyone at the airport. On a passing note, two guys I knew loooooong time back were just coming back to Chennai from abroad. Weird thing is neither of them were in US and neither of them stay at Chennai. But it is a dream, so anyway. And then, the most outrageous thing happens. From the top, something like small satellites drop down, dozens of them. They don't fall on the floor at once, but hold themselves in suspension until the people underneath them clear, and then gently fall on the floor. Now my friends immediately look to hold on to something, and so does everyone else. Before I ask them why they do that, the entire airport stretch elevates, something akin to an open bridge when a ship goes underneath. This makes the satellite-like things to go to the corner, or almost, until the floor is held inclined. And when everything is settled, people just went to one of those satellite thing, opened it and took something. My friends and I went to the one near us, and we opened it. Guess what was in it? Apparently, it contained the food that we ordered (in the distant past of the dream that is now very vague). I was like.."whoa..cool." And of course, I went on to gorge on brownies (no guess needed to know who ordered that one!)

Now back to reality, I woke up to my alarm at 6:00 AM. Feeling just so lazy after a long day yesterday and decided to go back to sleep...just for a little while. And now the part 2 starts..almost immediately I went back to sleep.

So I am back at the airport, but somewhere at basement here you have this hugeee shopping complex (Chennai airport would be so cool if it were this) and I seem to have lost my friends. As I am going through the shops, there this flagrant transvestite, who starts to hit on me. I was like running away from him/her, and before even I realize I am being stalked and chased. I start running away like crazy, I get out of the airport apartment and then fly out to the streets. It is about 8 PM in the night I guess, judging by the thickness of city traffic. As I am in the process of searching my friends, I see them at the end of the street where. Before I call out to them, one of my friend (Ram) calls out for me "Riaz Gaffooooor." Weird, why would any of my friends call me using that name...but again it is a dream. And then suddenly, one guy who was in the vicinity, catches the shirt of my friend and asked, "did you mean RIAZ GAFFOOR? I am searching for him, where is he?" And at that moment I come to the scene, and this guy takes a piece of log that lay nearby and says, "I have been searching you for so long." Before I even comprehend what the hell is happening, we are surrounded by couple of dozen people armed with all sorts of non-ammo tools (Chennai style). I was like, dude why?, and then he says, "remember sometime back you threw a ball back in this street to a group of people who were playing. The ball you threw hit one of our friend's arm and that lead to a blood clot which lead to a complicated heart condition with which he now has to live for ever." I was like, dude. Now I get a flashback within my dream (oh yeah!), and I now remember what I did. Coming back to my senses --in the dream that is-- I asked to talk to the person whom I apparently inflicted the injury upon. That person came -- I swear I had seen him before -- and said to him, "Man, I didn't mean it." He was like, "yeah it is alright, these guys are just making a big thing out of it." He then talked to the crowd and all was well.

Not sure how much had elapsed after that, now I was somewhere, I think it was in one of my friend's place. We are planning a birthday party, and we are in the process of inviting the rest of the gang. And then flash forward, I am reading Business Process Management, which incidentally happened to be the last one I read before going to sleep.

And then I wake up from the slumber, it is now 7:00 AM and I hurry to get ready for a long Monday.

It's definitely a different feeling to jot down what I had dreamed about. I feel that there are so many of my characteristics are evident from most of these episodes, like how much I miss my friends and hanging out with them. Rest, I have no explanation!! 1 to 10 on outrageous scale, this one is probably at 3-4 ish level. I have had 9s and 10s in the past, and I wish I had remember more of them for they would have made some of the best stories.

How to not get a driver's license.

I am now a proud owner of a car..................................................................................license. I still don't have the "authority" from "higher powers" (exactly one generation ahead) to just buy the darn car. But this story is is not about my desire to buy a car. This story is about how I got my driver's license.

To do something in the gargantuan amount of time I have had since my separation from my old job, I decided to take a tiny-teeny amount of time to get a car driver's license which was way over due. It all started with getting my learner's on April 1st. Theoritically, from then on its fifteen days of driving classes and the driving test after 30 days to get the license. Well, it never goes according to paper for me does it? Thanks to a few trips and laziness, I finished all of my 15 classes on May 22nd, scattered between almost 50 days after started. I was eager for my test on 23rd, only to be turned away from driving school to come the next Monday. 29th was a really long hard day -- my friends would vouch for that  -- so I skipped 30th and went on 31st instead, only to be turned down by my driving school because they didn't had a Tuesday slot with the RTO.

Kicking myself for not knowing that fact, and after a wait of one week, I hit the RTO on June 6th morning. After waiting for 2 hours, I was told that my form wasn't paid as yet and I needed to bring the original driver's license to surrender. I am pretty darn amused as to why they would assume I would know this. I was told to come on Wednesday, 8th. On 8th morning, I found out that my form was unknowingly withheld by the school, so I had to come on 9th. On 9th, I packed all my arsenal, skipped my breakfast --god knows when was the last time that happened -- and started for the RTO. I knew it was gonna be a long hard day, so I took my ipod with me. I was so right!

It all started nicely; I waited for 2 hours to have my form to be paid, and another hour for the test to start; in the scheme of things with regard to Chennai RTO, it ain't that bad. Trust me! After being driven to a verge of a nervous breakdown by my driving school teacher and RTO inspector, I learned that I had passed the driving test and am finally going to get the hallowed license after the photo shoot.

At this point, I have to mention my bike license. If I give my current license as a proof of identity for verification, I would be surely put behind bars for identity theft. From my name to my date of birth to my address, every darn thing on that was wrong. I somehow managed to look thin in that photo (college times) so my face doesn't even remotely resemble to what that's on the card. I never paid any attention to all these details and I was never asked about it by the traffic constables either. But I did run into lot of trouble, especially with banks whenever I had to produce my drivers' license. So I decided to get everything straightened out in my new license. And thats when the trouble started.

After the photo shoot, my details were entered into the RTO database. The details were same as in my old license, so I asked them to change to correct ones. I was told to go to the inspector and get a correction. So I went in search of person A, who happened to have taken the day off. So I asked person B instead, but B insisted to get from another inspector C. C had gone for a lunch, and after C came after an hr, C told to get the signature from A. When I told A was on leave, C told to get the signature from D. D took a look at my details and offered to help, only if I can provide the original and copy of my passport. I looked into my arsenal -- apparently I was short of nuke.

I thought myself -- expect the unexpected -- and then scooted to get my passport. I was 2 PM already and I gave a miss to my lunch too. I dun even think I had done that before :D Not wanting to break that record, I had a tea and couple of biscuits to keep my tummy warm. Tea was 5 bucks, biscuits were 2, and the tea shop owner begged for a correct change, and I looked into my purse. I had exact 7 rupees in change; the owner blessed me! I went to my home, found that the power was gone, so I decided to take the copy near RTO. I came to RTO around 2:30 only realized that the place was under power cut from 2-3. So I went to an another zip code and finally managed to find a copying place. The copier guy didnt have a change for my 100, and he didnt want my worn out 10, and all of my change was spent in the tea stall. You can't write a script for this! So I went to get some change for 100. The first store I went it, I tried to break the 100, but the storekeeper didnt have change either.

Something peculiar happened; instead of going to the next shop, I asked whether card will be accepted, and started to shop for things ONLY to realize 5 mins later that I still won't get change. Then leaving all the items over there, I went to another store, got a Sprite and a Naturo and managed to get the change. I then hurried to RTO, only to find that person D had gone out. After waiting for another hour, I showed the documents to D, who then referred me to E for correction. E said that he can only correct learner's license and not a regular, asked me to go to A. After seeing my plight, B did the correction. The correct data was then entered into the system at 4:15, and at 4:30, all was done. Phew!!! Throughout this episode from 2-4PM, a person from my driving school was behind me during my travails. And when I tried to give him "something" -- not because he asked for but because I was grateful to him -- he vehemently opposed to take anything. He skipped his lunch too. That guy somehow managed to put a smile on my face even after such a torturous episode such as this.

So what did I learn? Well, shit happens. So always, ALWAYS, expect the unexpected. God may not be with you all the time, but you can be assured that Mr. Murphy will be. So always be prepared to soothe your mind. It seems I managed to do one thing right yesterday; I packed my ipod. One of my favo songs was on an infinite loop the whole morning.

Is this love?

A few days back one of my friend had put a rhetorical question "Is THIS love?" on her Facebook status message only for me to reply with a wise-ass crack (no pun intended), "THIS is not love. THIS is a demonstrative pronoun." I know that it will be impossible for anyone to come up with a definition as to what constitutes a feeling called love. So this post is just my way of expressing what I feel is real love, or, how an ideal love should be.

When we are in love, it feels as if everything in this world suddenly seem to make more sense. Birds are chirping, rain is falling, and the world stops spinning. We get many forward mails that seem to define what true love is. Love is life, love is sharing, love is understanding, love is this, love is that and what not. And then there are the types of love. Love at first sight, love from friendship, and even love from hate. But all that matters is that when we are in love, everything else just doesn't seem to matter at all. The body, the brain, and six senses just want to be in company of our better half. We have heard so many dialogues that people throw when they are in love: "You are on my mind all the time. I'll give my life for you. You are carved in my heart. You are a part of me. I am in you. I am you. You complete me. etc." Many do mean what they say, and some just to take advantage. I always wondered, how true is the statement that our partner's  feelings are imbibed in our senses when we are in love.

What if we are stripped of all senses, feelings and emotions?  Would we be still capable of "feeling" love? We have seen people in vegetative state where they are incapable of expressing their emotions. But does that mean that they don't feel love? Is love truly magical that it could exist in absolutely nothing? To evaluate this assumption, we need to understand whether there is a possibility of being in a state where we are devoid of senses and feelings. Medical theory says, hell yeah! According to evolution, underneath all these facade of  sophistication, culture and logic, we basically are animals. So when we are under stress, the brain stimulates adrenalin and switches off all supplementary bodily functions such as sexual arousal,  pleasure...etc. There is only one primitive function that will exist, fight-or-flight. This is our body's mechanism in response to stress. Imagine staring at a hungry tiger, what would go in your mind? McDonalds? Titanic? Come on! You would want to get the hell out of there. Could you feel love in this state? What if you are stripped of even this level of  sense? Imagine standing on a railway track with a train approaching you at a breakneck speed. You are unable to move. Brain overload! Can you feel love then? Is it even possible for any kind of feeling to exist in that state? I say, Yes it is possible, and I have seen it with my own eyes.

One of my friend had just come to back to India on his study break, and so my other friends and I decided to have a get-together in his hometown, Pondicherry. We all started on our bikes, and had a very pleasant journey from Chennai to Pondicherry along the scenic East Coast Road. We reached Pondi around 7:00 PM, and decided to rent a room at the hotel to just sit, talk and catchup on all the lost details. The roads of Pondi, in accordance with the French and Indian tradition of road building, are pretty narrow, and the stretch where we were gathered was poorly illuminated. Having said that, the ECR is one of the busiest routes of South India, where public and private transports of all forms and sizes ply throughout day and night. We were standing outside the hotel waiting for the rest of the gang to arrive when we heard a screech of the brakes, a few loud thuds, some metal noise, and a scream of a woman. It seems that a biker, who was in his 40s and who was carrying his wife and his kid on his bike, tried to overtake government bus, but only to pull up just at the last moment. However, he was too late to swerve away from the way of the bus, and the bus hit the bike from the back, making the driver to lose balance. All three who were on the bike fell on that busy road with the bike sliding along the road due to the momentum.

Medical theory predicts that it is exactly at this moment that all our body senses are shut, including the fight-or-flight mechanism, and we are left in the hands of fate to decide our life. It is at this moment, the woman and wife expressed what I consider the benchmark of love. She screamed. Whats' the big deal in screaming when you are about to die? I believe that no matter what accent we cultivate, or what languages we learn, when we feel pain, we just seem to shout "aaaa", an incoherent and meaningless grunt to express our pain. This woman didn't scream "aaa." She screamed "ennanga." ( என்னங்க - a tamil word, a very respectful and loving way of calling one's husband). The moment when every sense in her body would have shut, she impulsively managed to call out, perhaps for one last time, to her husband, to make sure that he is alright. She is just a normal Indian woman, in her mid thirties, with a 12 year old kid. She is the type of woman where we take for granted that she might not approve of love marriage, or might not have experienced love, or a conservative woman., or someone just too insignificant to include when we young generations discuss about love. She didn't scream for her. She didn't scream for her own flesh and blood, her son. She didn't scream for her mother, the second most usual response to pain. And she didn't call for the God. She screamed for her husband. The love for her husband still evident, still active, even when every sense and hope in her body and mind has gone into shutdown mode. Love, is indeed capable of existing in absolutely nothing and everything. I dedicate this post to that woman, to all those who are truly in love, and to those who wear their heart on their sleeves so that they could keep their better half in their hearts.

P.S: The woman, man, and their kid survived with just a few bruises. Fairy tale ending does exist.
This post is just my opinion. I definitely don't imply that only women are capable of expressing love. It just happens that in this incident, it was a woman.

Purani Jeans

Thanks to Good Friday, I have got an extended weekend from Friday to Sunday. I decided to make the best use of Friday by hearing to all my favorite songs from the past. I was hearing to Rang de Basanti which brought my fond TCS memories. Suddenly I wish I could rewind three years of my life and get back to January 2006 where I had some of the best days of life. So analytical I have become nowadays that I decided to take this thought a step further and think about 10 things I most miss in my life now. These are the things I cannot have now for various reasons. I have already said about my TCS training life, so here is the rest of the list. They have just been put in random order as it occurred in my mind.
Till my tenth grade, I spend almost all of my days at my maternal grand dad’s place. That home was really awesome with 11-12 tenants, all of them having kids of my age. The terrace was flanked by others’ from all the four sides so it was easy to gather the neighbors and have a gala time, all the time! My school used to get over at 2:15 A.M.; I will come home, eat my lunch hurriedly and then scoot to the terrace to play cricket with almost 10-12 kids. This happened every day, from 6th grade till 10th grade. I was very good at studies (then…he he) so my parents let me have my way. Really miss this now! Plus, how can I afford to go to the terrace nowadays; it has become darn hot!
I miss my school! Almost all of my closest friends have been my buddies since school days. I spent my entire schooling at Gill Adarsh, right from kinder garden till my 12th grade. That’s 14 years of my life! Have many many many fond memories in there. My first “first rank”, the sports meets, the slap from SV (Gill Adarsh folks know whom I am talking about), the lovely teachers who really cared about us, the white and blue uniform, the blue house belt and many more. Gosh, how I wish I could have just one day of my school days back. I wish I could have this one return to innocence.
Madhuri Dixit! What an actress!! What a grace. My first crush from the tinsel town! Given the fact that my second crush was Emma Watson, you can imagine how hard it has been for the sexy ladies to fill in her shoes. The movie industry is yet to find a suitable replacement for her. Miss you Madhuri!!
Backstreet boys! Really, I ain’t joking. Back street boys’ songs were my entry into coolness during my pre-teen school days. I was a style statement just to have “everybodyyyaaaa” on our lips. They were also the first English band/song/group I listened to. My school buddies will tell you that I made them never forget the “I want it that way” from the Millennium. Miss the 90’s pop! the bboys, boy zone, nsync, bryan adams, take that, five, 98 degrees, aqua, britney, 911..so many of them!
The good old cartoon network! This will be my daily dose of cartoons every day before. 6:30 A.M. The perils of Penelope 7:00 A.M: Dexter Laboratory 7:30 A.M Tom and Jerry show 8:00 Power puff girls. I will go to school at 8:30. Our school prayers start at 7:50, so I will be outside the gate till it gets over. Late comers gets spanking with wooden scales from the P.D masters (after 11th grade it became push-up’s as our sweet princi felt it was inappropriate to hit grown up boys) And at 6:00 PM: Jonny Bravo, 6:30: the Sylvester and Tweety mysteries and at 7:00 P.M, the Dexter Lab rerun. The channel has become so sucky now with all nonsensical stuff. There were some kick ass animated series before. The things that immediately come to mind are the batman: the animated series, Johnny Quest, captain planet etc. Ben 10 is ok now, but the quality has stooped to abysmal levels.
The Kick I got from online chat. Like most of the pre-teen people, I too got bitten by the internet bug. It was a style statement to have an e-mail address. The one who had a chat friend was the hero! Every day I used to chat, it cost some cool 50 bucks for one hour then. French tuition fees, physics tuition fees, chemistry tuition fees and whatever money we could gather were pooled so that we can afford to live this “lavish life style.” Balaji and Ashwath were my partners in crime. This mania continued till my second year in college. Most of the relationships were pretty much use and throw types, but some of them have stuck with me till now. After 2 years, I got onto yahoo chat last week, and my latest online “friend” is a “Sania” from Malaysia.
The cycle ride to school :)
The good ol’ video game. I have a 62k laptop now with 2GB RAM, 256MB Nvidia gforce 8600MGT graphics card with direct 10x enabled. But whatever games I play with it, the fun was nothing compared to the enjoyment I had with the Mario game in the console. Spent hours and days and weeks before that darn thing.
Adarsh Vidyalaya. The answer to all-boys Gill Adarsh school. Our arch nemesis. The lady devils. The beauties. The brains. The angels in skirts. Whatever you call them, they made our school days so memorable! The kick is gone now. Thank God for that, coz if it weren’t, it would be really creepy.
I hated my college. I really do. Ever since the first day I landed there, all I was expecting was for the last day to come. But the journey to college was the best thing ever. I used to commute by train. There are some 13-15 colleges in the same route, so all the trains from 6:50 A.M till 8:00 A.M from central station will be packed with college students. Had lotta great ideas, had lotta fights, had lotta burns and well, had a great time!
Wow! You know, when I finished writing this list, I feel really rejuvenated. What a journey it has been! Really awesome!! If you are reading this post, do put the things you miss the most now in the comments section. A word of advice from my experience; cherish your memories, but don’t try to live it again. Move forward with life for there are so many realms to conquer and make new memories, good memories.

Till my next post, Adios! Perhaps I will come up with a list of things that I am glad for going out of my life ;)