Yaaawn - 2

So I go back home tired just wanting to have some hot tea, and my mom comes out and says, "Ok Riaz I have found a girl for you." I jump right out of my slumber. So many different thoughts were going through my head. I can't get married now, I am not ready. I tell, "mom, whats the hurry now, I am just getting to start my career." "No Riaz, you are 29 now and its about time. Your dad and I have decided, and we think that this girl would be really suitable for you. We have almost finalized the alliance, and all I require from you is to say yes and we will proceed."

I started to sweat profusely. I wasn't ready for this. Given the fact that I am too old and fat to run behind a girl, I have resigned to the fact that my marriage will be arranged. I act as if I have a choice, I don't but that's a moot point now. I get all panicky every time I am reminded about marriage, or the concept of it. To be spending and sharing with someone, is indeed a weird thing for me. Heck, I don't even like to share my bed, how will I share my life. I am not a big romantic but I do like to know someone really well before I commit to that person. On the other hand, it would also behoove well for "that" person to know me well before she likes to commit to the specimen that is me. All my dear friends would vouch for the trial period, knowing my idiosyncrasies.

"Mom, don't you think that this is a bit hasty? I mean, whats the hurry now. You didn't even tell me that you had this thought!" "I have been saying this to you for years, and you never give due attention. I have decided. Now there is someone from girl's side here. If you have any questions you can ask." I scream, "are you crazy? You actually have someone here?!!! And you didn't even think of letting me know when I was I coming home." "Well, if I had told you before, you would not have come home", she told as a matter of fact. I thought, "oh well, thats true."

I am going to meet someone from the bride's side. Crap, "bride's" side, this is indeed really happening. In as much as I say anything, I am pretty sure that my parents (when I say parents, I mean my mom) have already made up their minds, and this would be THE family I would be entering into. I have always been appreciative of my mom. We come from a real conservative society, but she has always given me my freedom, keeping my interests first before anything and anyone else, thus being on the receiving side on quite a few family gatherings. When it is a norm for a guy to get married at 24-25 age in our circle, my mom let me do what I want with my career. She was really supportive of my intent to pursue higher studies, obvious, as she is the one who instilled the fire to gain knowledge ever since I was a kid. Almost everyone was against my decision to leave a plump job behind and go abroad to study amidst volatile economy, but my mom supported me, albeit with tears, as she knew what I want. Of course, mom knows the best.

But this, this is BIG. So I get into the bathroom first to freshen up, obviously, I'd at least try to make a good impression. I was still sweating, but I came out eventually, and mom took me to the living room where one of the soon-to-be "extended family" was waiting. "Riaz, this is...." I didn't pay attention to the name or anything else as I was busy trying to size up my "opponent." Probably a sister or cousin of the bride, I thought, definitely the one with more voice and inquisitive of the lot as lots of information had to go back to the headquarters where the parents and the bride are. She extended her hand, I just managed to blurt of an hi, still caught with the myriad of things inside my head. A wrong thing to do, I thought afterwards; I just came out a bit crude.

I told," You want to get out somewhere, probably to terrace or balcony where we can talk in private." I could see in my mom's eyes that she didn't approve of my request, but she kept to herself , so both of us came out. I felt as if I had just got out of a pressure cooker. There was so much I want to shout out. She looked at me and said, "momma's boy huh!" I got so angry. I said, "look you don't know me well enough to judge me. So please don't." "Ok, ok, I am sorry. I was just joking you know. So marriage uh. It is a big deal." I replied, "It is, thank you."

"Look, Your mom thought I could help you out and so I am here to answer any questions you have about the bride or our family. Don't consider me an outsider. Ask as if you'd ask a friend." After getting calmed a little bit, I asked, "look, you sound like a smart person. Do you think it is fair that such a big decision in my life is being made, and I am not even a part of it?" She said, "even your mom sounds to be smart. I think whatever decision she makes would be the right choice for you." I reply, "I know, I know. Whatever she has done has been for my benefit all these years. But this, this is just overwhelming. I mean to think that I would be spending the rest of my life with someone, that feeling is not sinking in. How would you feel if something like this happened to you?"

"I will be overwhelmed too. A lot in fact. But if I know that the person is nice, I would be eager to start my life again with him." Impressed, but I still had some doubts. Someone from family looks intelligent, hopefully the bride will be too. And then I just asked bluntly, "look you think it is fair that I'd have to say yes to this alliance, without meeting the girl. I'd love to talk to her, at least some, make sure that she likes me, don't you think that it's important?" She said, "It is very important indeed. But I think the girl would like you, I have no doubt." I retorted, "see people's preferences differ. Plus, I would like to ask that to the girl personally, not through any third party. And I have a few personal questions to ask to the bride too; know her well, or at least some." She replied, "That is perfectly fine. So go on, ask me." She smiled.

Suddenly, I understood the gravity of what she said, and comprehended the smile on her face. The feeling of confusion and stupidity was way too much to bear, and I just faintly remember coming back to my senses, with her name being the first question I asked.

And then I came back to senses for real. No doubt, I was sporting a smile the whole day. Finally I got to meet my dream girl. For real!

Based on a true dream, not so long ago. And it is not real. And it is not a true story. And I am not engaged (as yet). Sheesh!!!

Yaaawn.

Ever since my last outrageous dream-slash-nightmare only to not remember that in full after I woke up, I told myself that as soon as I wake up from a similar experience, I would note it down and may be start a chronicle of sorts. Today was one of those days, and I thought I'd give you a glimpse as to what is happening inside my head, even when I am not aware of it.

Ok...so I have to skip the first episode, as it is, well, between someone and me, so I'll jump to the  next one.

This one, is straight out of a Spielberg Movie. So I was in this airport with my friends in Chennai. But this ain't the Chennai airport. In fact, even the best of the international airports I have seen don't come close to whats about to happen inside this airport. First of all, like all dreams we have no idea where were we before the airport episode. Second, I have no idea why are we there; we sure didn't receive anyone at the airport. On a passing note, two guys I knew loooooong time back were just coming back to Chennai from abroad. Weird thing is neither of them were in US and neither of them stay at Chennai. But it is a dream, so anyway. And then, the most outrageous thing happens. From the top, something like small satellites drop down, dozens of them. They don't fall on the floor at once, but hold themselves in suspension until the people underneath them clear, and then gently fall on the floor. Now my friends immediately look to hold on to something, and so does everyone else. Before I ask them why they do that, the entire airport stretch elevates, something akin to an open bridge when a ship goes underneath. This makes the satellite-like things to go to the corner, or almost, until the floor is held inclined. And when everything is settled, people just went to one of those satellite thing, opened it and took something. My friends and I went to the one near us, and we opened it. Guess what was in it? Apparently, it contained the food that we ordered (in the distant past of the dream that is now very vague). I was like.."whoa..cool." And of course, I went on to gorge on brownies (no guess needed to know who ordered that one!)

Now back to reality, I woke up to my alarm at 6:00 AM. Feeling just so lazy after a long day yesterday and decided to go back to sleep...just for a little while. And now the part 2 starts..almost immediately I went back to sleep.

So I am back at the airport, but somewhere at basement here you have this hugeee shopping complex (Chennai airport would be so cool if it were this) and I seem to have lost my friends. As I am going through the shops, there this flagrant transvestite, who starts to hit on me. I was like running away from him/her, and before even I realize I am being stalked and chased. I start running away like crazy, I get out of the airport apartment and then fly out to the streets. It is about 8 PM in the night I guess, judging by the thickness of city traffic. As I am in the process of searching my friends, I see them at the end of the street where. Before I call out to them, one of my friend (Ram) calls out for me "Riaz Gaffooooor." Weird, why would any of my friends call me using that name...but again it is a dream. And then suddenly, one guy who was in the vicinity, catches the shirt of my friend and asked, "did you mean RIAZ GAFFOOR? I am searching for him, where is he?" And at that moment I come to the scene, and this guy takes a piece of log that lay nearby and says, "I have been searching you for so long." Before I even comprehend what the hell is happening, we are surrounded by couple of dozen people armed with all sorts of non-ammo tools (Chennai style). I was like, dude why?, and then he says, "remember sometime back you threw a ball back in this street to a group of people who were playing. The ball you threw hit one of our friend's arm and that lead to a blood clot which lead to a complicated heart condition with which he now has to live for ever." I was like, dude. Now I get a flashback within my dream (oh yeah!), and I now remember what I did. Coming back to my senses --in the dream that is-- I asked to talk to the person whom I apparently inflicted the injury upon. That person came -- I swear I had seen him before -- and said to him, "Man, I didn't mean it." He was like, "yeah it is alright, these guys are just making a big thing out of it." He then talked to the crowd and all was well.

Not sure how much had elapsed after that, now I was somewhere, I think it was in one of my friend's place. We are planning a birthday party, and we are in the process of inviting the rest of the gang. And then flash forward, I am reading Business Process Management, which incidentally happened to be the last one I read before going to sleep.

And then I wake up from the slumber, it is now 7:00 AM and I hurry to get ready for a long Monday.

It's definitely a different feeling to jot down what I had dreamed about. I feel that there are so many of my characteristics are evident from most of these episodes, like how much I miss my friends and hanging out with them. Rest, I have no explanation!! 1 to 10 on outrageous scale, this one is probably at 3-4 ish level. I have had 9s and 10s in the past, and I wish I had remember more of them for they would have made some of the best stories.

Me, myself and my brain

After a not so brutal separation from my five year love, I am on a sabbatical now. I had thought about a million things to do in my free time; all the things I so wanted to do for many many years. Now I have all the time in the world yet I seem to run out of time every day. Each of the things I want to do requires a lot of hard work, commitment and perseverance, and it would be an understatement to say that I could be working a lot harder right now than I would have if I had been working. But, the end results of my work would be helpful to me for as long as I wish to live.

Now even with all these advantages of embarking upon on an effort, with even the minimalistic success, or to an extent, failure, yielding great returns, my brain is deciding to, well, lie dormant. And when I say "dormant", I mean eat, day dream-- both awake and asleep, TV, and other things that causes minimal stress on the brain functions. Oh the selfish selfish brain! It puts itself before me. If we both were married, we would be so divorced by now. Since we are not, and I cannot live without my brain (awwww!), I have got to accept it the way it is,albeit grudgingly.

You see, over the period of year of conditioning, brain -- specifically a part of brain that's responsible of pleasure centers -- identifies what's our inherent state of pleasure is, and given an opportunity to be in this state, it will take it. And not just that, it influences -- or at least tries to -- the other parts of the brain to accept its decision by using its not so secret weapon "dopamine." And this state of pleasure is not fixed; we subconsciously define a new one at each stage of our life. For a kid, it could be play outside, for an hardworking person, it could be to just sit back, relax, beer and a game of TV. And for those who have experienced sex, the best pleasure giving activity IMO, the brain constantly looks for chances to make its "bearer" get laid. Enough said.

The weirdest thing is, this state of pleasure or blissfulness necessarily need not be just laziness or indolence. In fact, provided the brain is conditioned, one's state of pleasure could be right at the peak of a physical or a mental activity. This is what makes a scientist go after a not-so trivial pursuit of an arduous experiment, a marathon runner to push every inch of his/her muscle to the limit, and everyone of us to go very near to a cardiac arrest every time we have sex.

My state of pleasure (excluding all sexual components 'coz my private life is off limits!!) is to get to an "aha" moment, a moment of discovery, after breaking my brains and my relationships over a long period in pursuit of a solution to a very complex problem. These situations haven't had happened a lot of times before, but I vividly remember each of those episodes as it happened over the last 10 years. So this state of laziness of mine or an inertia to not get my brain or body thinking, is like the lull before storm or the crouch before the pounce. My brain, will always get make me to get into difficult situations to get as close as possible to be in reaching distance of the "aha" moments. Needless to say, it pisses me off every time it does that; but I love it exactly for this; for keeping me alive.

Is this love?

A few days back one of my friend had put a rhetorical question "Is THIS love?" on her Facebook status message only for me to reply with a wise-ass crack (no pun intended), "THIS is not love. THIS is a demonstrative pronoun." I know that it will be impossible for anyone to come up with a definition as to what constitutes a feeling called love. So this post is just my way of expressing what I feel is real love, or, how an ideal love should be.

When we are in love, it feels as if everything in this world suddenly seem to make more sense. Birds are chirping, rain is falling, and the world stops spinning. We get many forward mails that seem to define what true love is. Love is life, love is sharing, love is understanding, love is this, love is that and what not. And then there are the types of love. Love at first sight, love from friendship, and even love from hate. But all that matters is that when we are in love, everything else just doesn't seem to matter at all. The body, the brain, and six senses just want to be in company of our better half. We have heard so many dialogues that people throw when they are in love: "You are on my mind all the time. I'll give my life for you. You are carved in my heart. You are a part of me. I am in you. I am you. You complete me. etc." Many do mean what they say, and some just to take advantage. I always wondered, how true is the statement that our partner's  feelings are imbibed in our senses when we are in love.

What if we are stripped of all senses, feelings and emotions?  Would we be still capable of "feeling" love? We have seen people in vegetative state where they are incapable of expressing their emotions. But does that mean that they don't feel love? Is love truly magical that it could exist in absolutely nothing? To evaluate this assumption, we need to understand whether there is a possibility of being in a state where we are devoid of senses and feelings. Medical theory says, hell yeah! According to evolution, underneath all these facade of  sophistication, culture and logic, we basically are animals. So when we are under stress, the brain stimulates adrenalin and switches off all supplementary bodily functions such as sexual arousal,  pleasure...etc. There is only one primitive function that will exist, fight-or-flight. This is our body's mechanism in response to stress. Imagine staring at a hungry tiger, what would go in your mind? McDonalds? Titanic? Come on! You would want to get the hell out of there. Could you feel love in this state? What if you are stripped of even this level of  sense? Imagine standing on a railway track with a train approaching you at a breakneck speed. You are unable to move. Brain overload! Can you feel love then? Is it even possible for any kind of feeling to exist in that state? I say, Yes it is possible, and I have seen it with my own eyes.

One of my friend had just come to back to India on his study break, and so my other friends and I decided to have a get-together in his hometown, Pondicherry. We all started on our bikes, and had a very pleasant journey from Chennai to Pondicherry along the scenic East Coast Road. We reached Pondi around 7:00 PM, and decided to rent a room at the hotel to just sit, talk and catchup on all the lost details. The roads of Pondi, in accordance with the French and Indian tradition of road building, are pretty narrow, and the stretch where we were gathered was poorly illuminated. Having said that, the ECR is one of the busiest routes of South India, where public and private transports of all forms and sizes ply throughout day and night. We were standing outside the hotel waiting for the rest of the gang to arrive when we heard a screech of the brakes, a few loud thuds, some metal noise, and a scream of a woman. It seems that a biker, who was in his 40s and who was carrying his wife and his kid on his bike, tried to overtake government bus, but only to pull up just at the last moment. However, he was too late to swerve away from the way of the bus, and the bus hit the bike from the back, making the driver to lose balance. All three who were on the bike fell on that busy road with the bike sliding along the road due to the momentum.

Medical theory predicts that it is exactly at this moment that all our body senses are shut, including the fight-or-flight mechanism, and we are left in the hands of fate to decide our life. It is at this moment, the woman and wife expressed what I consider the benchmark of love. She screamed. Whats' the big deal in screaming when you are about to die? I believe that no matter what accent we cultivate, or what languages we learn, when we feel pain, we just seem to shout "aaaa", an incoherent and meaningless grunt to express our pain. This woman didn't scream "aaa." She screamed "ennanga." ( என்னங்க - a tamil word, a very respectful and loving way of calling one's husband). The moment when every sense in her body would have shut, she impulsively managed to call out, perhaps for one last time, to her husband, to make sure that he is alright. She is just a normal Indian woman, in her mid thirties, with a 12 year old kid. She is the type of woman where we take for granted that she might not approve of love marriage, or might not have experienced love, or a conservative woman., or someone just too insignificant to include when we young generations discuss about love. She didn't scream for her. She didn't scream for her own flesh and blood, her son. She didn't scream for her mother, the second most usual response to pain. And she didn't call for the God. She screamed for her husband. The love for her husband still evident, still active, even when every sense and hope in her body and mind has gone into shutdown mode. Love, is indeed capable of existing in absolutely nothing and everything. I dedicate this post to that woman, to all those who are truly in love, and to those who wear their heart on their sleeves so that they could keep their better half in their hearts.

P.S: The woman, man, and their kid survived with just a few bruises. Fairy tale ending does exist.
This post is just my opinion. I definitely don't imply that only women are capable of expressing love. It just happens that in this incident, it was a woman.

And the best actor award goes to...

"All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players..."
-by William Shakespeare in "As You Like It"

Shakespeare used this monologue to portray the various stages of womanhood in his play. However, this phrase of his is now often quoted to show how fickle humans have become. Each of us, more often than not, has to act to pass everyday of our existence. From waking up next to an unfaithful spouse, putting on a smile to the vagaries of an undeserving boss, agreeing to the whimsical perceptions of the society, and sacrificing the life for unappreciative children, we seem to wear a different character to help us get out, or at least maintain our sanity. Perhaps not many would accept a person for exactly what he his. Parents wish their kids study a bit better. Spouses hope their partners are a bit understanding. Our whole life seems to revolve around a ten letter word. Compromise. If I ask you the question "when was the last time you were yourself for on full day"? And if you happen to think really hard to answer, just sit back and think about the direction in which you are taking your life. Exactly, how deserving are our fellow actors to have our identity sacrificed for them? This question was asked to me by my conscience very recently. With my right brain displaying soap opera-esque emotion to this riddle, my left brain gently patted it and said "I'll take it from here."

According to my left brain, my analytical and logical syndicate, respectfully disagrees. The "acting" is our only ally in helping us to wither the everyday storm a.k.a our daily life. Ever since the collapse of the mythological "tower of babel", we humans have always struggled to communicate. Humans invented languages and customs which enabled them to pass a few thousand years of existence without much fuss. Then came the renaissance, then industrial and now we are in the nuclear age. Now it is not enough to communicate. To use the business term, we must communicate "effectively." And all of it need not be acting. For so many years people have grown up with their own customs, and for us to know them better, we have to come to a common ground. This is where "acting" helps. We are not changing our self, but merely performing a part for a specified amount of time so that both us and others could derive maximum benefit of our meeting. And after this specified time, we need not be acting at all. My left brain concludes that instead of considering acting as a noun which means "performing a role", consider "acting" as an adjective which means "serving temporarily especially as a substitute" as in "the acting President."

"Objection your Honor", interrupts my right brain, my source of impetuousness, imagination and emotion. Oh by the way, I am the "honorable" one. As per right brain, in the current fast moving world, we have to put on so many acts together, which sometimes even overlaps; we really do not have time to "clear the makeup." In fact, we become so tired of changing we decide to stay with the character(s) we portray for some time. And invariably, the time to remove the makeup, the masks and the costumes never comes. We end up being someone else for the rest of our lives.

Both my left and right brain look at me expectingly (and respectfully :D) for my verdict. Well, honestly I agree and disagree with both of them. There really can't be a black or white about this as the world we live in is far from ideal. We might have to rely on both of them to help us tread on this gray path. The right brain, which I consider to be white for its pure emotional thinking, and the left brain, the black for its cold calculation and practicality, mixing together to help us. Perhaps that’s why the gray matter in brain is called "gray" matter, a proper mix of black and white. There is a reason why we are the most advanced (known) species; we evolve, with the help of our gray matter. Personally, I always like to give a chance. Initially, I had let my right brain to guide me, and many a time I got hurt in trying to understand what people are really about. But those who saw me beyond all that have remained my close to me. And now, my left brain helps me to quantify these results and store them in a safe place as "experiences" so that next time I come across one such role, I am well prepared to play my part. However, I myself don't change; I just project myself in a way the rest will like to see. I am not acting; I am merely performing an illusion. What about you?

Pyaars'r possible

Brain is definitely the best database management system around. Those associated with database or commonsense will know that an index is useful to pinpoint the information we require to retrive from vast amounts of data. A few of us use techniques such as mnemonics and what not. But all of us, well almost, use the universal indexing mechanism, EMOTION. You associate an event (seeing, listening, hearing etc) with an emotion, and bam! it gets fixed on to your brain. One of the main reasons why woman are good in remembering things, albeit most of them unwanted. Brain's subconscious part is pretty much like the RAM of computers. Anything that needs to be done quickly and spontaneously is kept over there. But to get into this subconcious area, the information has to move through the conscious area. Remember when you learnt cycling? First you know when you apply the brakes, and after practice, you just apply without even knowing or thinking about it.
Unfortunately for us, when we are in Love, the practice and emotion go hand in hand. Every thing we see we try to associate with our partner. "She loves vanilla ice cream. He is so handsome in blue. I love her when she lifts her eyebrows..." Brain realizes that we are thinking only about one object (our partner) all the time. So in order to retrive the data about this person quickly, it builds bridges across memory cells, the neurons. Are you listening to a song which is her favorite? Are you eating a food which is her favorite? Is the next phone call will be hers? The more you think about your partner, stronger the bridges become. Now you are thinking so much about your partner, you brain replaces information in old unused memory cells with your partner's. So whenever your brain tries to look into head for any information, it invariably comes across at least one information about your partner. It's like Starbucks or Bajaj Pulsar. They are everywhere!
All izz well, and then, TADA, you people break up. Poor you, most of your head is occupied, literally, by your partner's thoughts. Drinking water? Your brain tells your partner likes warm water. Wearing blue shirt? Your brain recalls numerous times when your partner has commented how good you look in blue. It is all because of these darn bridges!!! Any action of yours, if associated with the partner's bridge, will remind you of him/her. Unfortunatey, if you were in a deep relationship, almost every action would be. Your brain is under stress which makes your hormones go haywire. Unable to eat, drink, sleep, think? BLAME IT ON BRIDGES.
So, coming to one of the most asked question in the world. "How do I get over my ex?" Zillion books have been written, numerous movies have been made, and quite a number of lives have been lost, all in search of the answer. The answer, is simple, break the bridges. How to do it? Make new thoughts. Old partner cells will eventually be replaced with new thoughts, it is Darwin's theory after all. Thus emotional people will always find it difficult to get over than the practical ones.
Another easy way is to make thoughts about a new partner. The 'fast track' types. Move on! This is definitely the faster approach. Mix praticality with this approach, you will find being called a stud if you're a guy, a slut if you are a girl.
This blog is inspired by one of the events from my novel-in-writing.