The uneligible bachelor

After an extremely demanding year of studies, work and travel, I finally got a chance to meet my family and friends after a year's gap. There's nothing like home. Chennai has changed so much but not the people. So far I  have spent a good amount of time catching up with relatives and friends. When you are 28 years old, more often than not, so are your friends. And more often that not, they have got a family of their own. Before, it was so easy to have dinner with friends. Now not so much. I am not afraid to say this out loud (I know my blog's patronage!). But I am extremely happy to see that the number of seats has increased at the table.

Having said that, the first question is always "so when is your time?" I wish I knew the answer. I mean, good luck trying to find a bride for an 28 year old unemployed student. It's not that people haven't been trying, but you got to admit, there aren't many options. And the "US-returned" tag aint worth much anymore. That's the problem of jumping late in the bandwagon. But if there is any teeny tiny good thing that has come out of this situation, it is this: I am not that scared of getting committed. Well, I am indeed afraid even now, but many of the fears and reservations that I had of getting into a relationship have kind of subdued now. Having said THAT, one should be extremely careful in getting into a commitment with the specimen that is Riaz. In fact, you don't have to look much beyond this blog to get an idea as to what kind of nut case I am. If you happen to know if someone's interested, please do warn them.

I can read you..well almost.

One of the oft-quoted wisdom goes something like this, "Don't forget how you were when you were nothing when you are someone." Many of us, including me, have been at fault sometimes of being "smug" when we should not have been. It's a human vanity.More often than not, it doesn't work. It shouldn't technically as we are trying to equate behaviors or two extremes. I tell you, people are drastically different than they are usually when they want something, something urgent and important. You would have had a few episodes of such situations both as an actor and as an observer. The behaviors that they portray normally are either amplified or nullified when they are nothing and in need of something. On the other hand, when the same person achieves what he wants, he ceases to be a ..er. dick? and starts exhibits normal behavior. Just like when someone's prayers are answered.

In my opinion, its unfair to consider their behaviors in those situations as benchmark. It is hardly. The benchmark should be when we are content. I believe that when we are content, we exhibit our normal behavior that should be considered benchmark. When we have nothing, we tend to be subservient in order to gain what we wish for. Long story short, I have come to realize that people are not as pleasant or as rude as they would be generally, as long as we don't need any favors from them.

Pause

Have you ever taken a break from a work such as folding your clothes or eating dinner in order to attend something and someone, and only to realize that the clothes aren't there anymore, or the food has vanished when you are back? Of course not. (But if you have, there are many talk shows willing to take that story). But life and its partner-in-crime time work differently. I have left my "laundry", but I think that it wont be there when I go back to attend it. A lot has changed in the past year, some for the good and some not. And that's how the life is, and one its of many vagaries that are beyond our control. The only thing we can control is us and our behavior and reaction to the situation.

Chennai isn't Chennai anymore. Not so long ago I could enjoy a leisurely ride, good food at reasonable price and a quite time at the beach. None of them is possible now; the landscape is unrecognizable now. And then the gang is broken, and whoever is left now has to work on their adjustment to the change: family commitments. And all the little ones are so grown up; "Riaz anna" is no longed required. Sniff sniff. (No, I am not smelling anything). And of course, I would have to get "settled" soon. Sheesh!

So the question becomes, do I redefine myself or try to make the best of those things that are still in tact? I'll tell you one thing; it's not easy to let go of one's past, especially when it has been one of the best rides I'll ever get. When I grew up, there was a pleasant sense of solidity to the future. You do something, and you can say pretty much confidently how you will end up. You could plan your entire life out, hell, you can even predict where your kids are going to school. Not so much now, there is cloud of unpredictability around the future now. You can't even be sure if you'll be in the same job one year from now!

I hate this phase, right now, this moment. I am 29 years old, but have always been a kid at heart trying to live and relive all the good things. I guess no more I could afford this luxury. Will I make something for myself or would I end up having a lifetime of mediocrity, I am not sure. What I am sure is, I'll soon have to make an important decision, may be many important decisions in which I have to decide what/whom to keep and what/whom to leave behind as I move on with my life. Because a few things, things that have been dear to me, HAVE to be collateral damage in the pursuit of life. And the worst part is, there is no going back. The mistake I will make, will stay a mistake forever, and I'll live to regret that decision for the rest of my life.

Perhaps this is the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about, but I always thought that happens only when you are 40! I am really curious as to what I would write in my blog one year from now.

The wise guy

Getting older stopped being fun as soon as I turned 18 as pretty much anything I did after that age could have been done a tad sooner. I would have liked to have done what I did last year about 2 to 3 years earlier. Living alone, abroad and away from everything I have known, even for a short time, provided me a new perspective, and surprisingly, brought out a few qualities in me, qualities I thought I never had or bothered to look upon. In the past 1 year, I have lived and travelled alone, cooked, cleaned my house, paid utility bills, bought groceries, and so many other little things that I thought I would never have to be bothered ever. And I wished I had managed to do all that just a few years before. But I guess there is time and place for everything. I look at the year passed, and can't remember any other duration in which I had so many life altering experiences in my 28 years of existence. For someone who has never been away from family, or a stone's throw away from any of my friends, living alone so far away has made me to appreciate how blessed I am to have had them mould me into the man I am today.

The last year also marked a resurrection of the extemporaneous life, a way of living that I haven't been able to experience for sometime  now. For some years, I have always been a man with a plan, or plans in some cases, the kind of guy who likes to strike off the items from the list, the kind who knows what he is going to be doing even 7-8 months ahead. The last item on my list was study abroad. Now that is done, I am just living blissfully ignorant before I go about making a new list that is probably going to consume the rest of my living years. Planning for the future is not easy and it is definitely not fun. As you grow older, and if you are as old as I am, by this time you would understand what you can, or more importantly, what you can't do. And when you come to realize the things you can't or won't be able to do, it is a bittersweet farewell to them.

கிருக்கல்

நீ அழகின் மொத்தம் என்று சொல்லி
அந்த பரஹ்மன் வைத்தான் முற்று புள்ளி
உதட்டோரதில் மச்சம்.

(...inspired by a song and a person...)

Are you talking to me?

One of the pivotal moments in the Star Wars franchise is when Master Yoda recommends the Jedi council to not elevate Anakin Skywalker as a Jedi Master because Yoda had sensed darkness inside Anakin. Now how that pissed Anakin off, eventually leading to a series of events that makes him the Darth Vader is a segue to what I wish to talk about. My mind is fixated on the powers of Master Yoda, especially to read or at least discern  people's  thoughts and emotions. My wish is based on a simple necessity; many a time I wish I knew what someone is actually thinking even though what they say otherwise.


Since school, I have tried my level best to be a nice boy, always a teachers pet, always a pet to my friends' parents (much to my friends chagrin) and someone who could be an example. It was fine, when I was kid, I hanged out with other kids and they pretty much don't give a darn about all that. If they don't like you, they just tell it your face. When I was a kid, I knew who my friends and enemies were. And as I grew older, it became hard to know either of those. The problem with getting old is, the stakes become higher. We live in a society where a normal person just cannot afford to have enemies because our fights are not honorable, or we just don't fight fairly.  It is fine, and even "tactically right" to not let know what you think of someone. And its perfectly fine to talk to their backs. I am no psychologist, but I am sure we "civilized" humans avoid confrontation as much as possible. But I think we have some broken compass that points to standing-up and avoidance. Apart from the spineless existence that is accompanied by being a pussy, you are also left to be ridiculed in many permutations. You think you are safe? You are the one getting verbal bashing in your absence.


Many books have been written to identify certain ticks or "giveaways" in a person's that would help to read what he/she is thinking. But not many are gifted to that extent. Heck a few of us wouldn't realize if someone lies to our face, with a laugh track on the side and a card saying "you are a jerk." But sometime we do get to know when we are made fools. And when that happens, it leaves a bad aftertaste. So here I am, raising a toast, to all my enemies (you know who you are), for letting me know whats in your mind and what you think of me. Even though I don't like you, I respect you for what you are.

Yaaawn - 2

So I go back home tired just wanting to have some hot tea, and my mom comes out and says, "Ok Riaz I have found a girl for you." I jump right out of my slumber. So many different thoughts were going through my head. I can't get married now, I am not ready. I tell, "mom, whats the hurry now, I am just getting to start my career." "No Riaz, you are 29 now and its about time. Your dad and I have decided, and we think that this girl would be really suitable for you. We have almost finalized the alliance, and all I require from you is to say yes and we will proceed."

I started to sweat profusely. I wasn't ready for this. Given the fact that I am too old and fat to run behind a girl, I have resigned to the fact that my marriage will be arranged. I act as if I have a choice, I don't but that's a moot point now. I get all panicky every time I am reminded about marriage, or the concept of it. To be spending and sharing with someone, is indeed a weird thing for me. Heck, I don't even like to share my bed, how will I share my life. I am not a big romantic but I do like to know someone really well before I commit to that person. On the other hand, it would also behoove well for "that" person to know me well before she likes to commit to the specimen that is me. All my dear friends would vouch for the trial period, knowing my idiosyncrasies.

"Mom, don't you think that this is a bit hasty? I mean, whats the hurry now. You didn't even tell me that you had this thought!" "I have been saying this to you for years, and you never give due attention. I have decided. Now there is someone from girl's side here. If you have any questions you can ask." I scream, "are you crazy? You actually have someone here?!!! And you didn't even think of letting me know when I was I coming home." "Well, if I had told you before, you would not have come home", she told as a matter of fact. I thought, "oh well, thats true."

I am going to meet someone from the bride's side. Crap, "bride's" side, this is indeed really happening. In as much as I say anything, I am pretty sure that my parents (when I say parents, I mean my mom) have already made up their minds, and this would be THE family I would be entering into. I have always been appreciative of my mom. We come from a real conservative society, but she has always given me my freedom, keeping my interests first before anything and anyone else, thus being on the receiving side on quite a few family gatherings. When it is a norm for a guy to get married at 24-25 age in our circle, my mom let me do what I want with my career. She was really supportive of my intent to pursue higher studies, obvious, as she is the one who instilled the fire to gain knowledge ever since I was a kid. Almost everyone was against my decision to leave a plump job behind and go abroad to study amidst volatile economy, but my mom supported me, albeit with tears, as she knew what I want. Of course, mom knows the best.

But this, this is BIG. So I get into the bathroom first to freshen up, obviously, I'd at least try to make a good impression. I was still sweating, but I came out eventually, and mom took me to the living room where one of the soon-to-be "extended family" was waiting. "Riaz, this is...." I didn't pay attention to the name or anything else as I was busy trying to size up my "opponent." Probably a sister or cousin of the bride, I thought, definitely the one with more voice and inquisitive of the lot as lots of information had to go back to the headquarters where the parents and the bride are. She extended her hand, I just managed to blurt of an hi, still caught with the myriad of things inside my head. A wrong thing to do, I thought afterwards; I just came out a bit crude.

I told," You want to get out somewhere, probably to terrace or balcony where we can talk in private." I could see in my mom's eyes that she didn't approve of my request, but she kept to herself , so both of us came out. I felt as if I had just got out of a pressure cooker. There was so much I want to shout out. She looked at me and said, "momma's boy huh!" I got so angry. I said, "look you don't know me well enough to judge me. So please don't." "Ok, ok, I am sorry. I was just joking you know. So marriage uh. It is a big deal." I replied, "It is, thank you."

"Look, Your mom thought I could help you out and so I am here to answer any questions you have about the bride or our family. Don't consider me an outsider. Ask as if you'd ask a friend." After getting calmed a little bit, I asked, "look, you sound like a smart person. Do you think it is fair that such a big decision in my life is being made, and I am not even a part of it?" She said, "even your mom sounds to be smart. I think whatever decision she makes would be the right choice for you." I reply, "I know, I know. Whatever she has done has been for my benefit all these years. But this, this is just overwhelming. I mean to think that I would be spending the rest of my life with someone, that feeling is not sinking in. How would you feel if something like this happened to you?"

"I will be overwhelmed too. A lot in fact. But if I know that the person is nice, I would be eager to start my life again with him." Impressed, but I still had some doubts. Someone from family looks intelligent, hopefully the bride will be too. And then I just asked bluntly, "look you think it is fair that I'd have to say yes to this alliance, without meeting the girl. I'd love to talk to her, at least some, make sure that she likes me, don't you think that it's important?" She said, "It is very important indeed. But I think the girl would like you, I have no doubt." I retorted, "see people's preferences differ. Plus, I would like to ask that to the girl personally, not through any third party. And I have a few personal questions to ask to the bride too; know her well, or at least some." She replied, "That is perfectly fine. So go on, ask me." She smiled.

Suddenly, I understood the gravity of what she said, and comprehended the smile on her face. The feeling of confusion and stupidity was way too much to bear, and I just faintly remember coming back to my senses, with her name being the first question I asked.

And then I came back to senses for real. No doubt, I was sporting a smile the whole day. Finally I got to meet my dream girl. For real!

Based on a true dream, not so long ago. And it is not real. And it is not a true story. And I am not engaged (as yet). Sheesh!!!

Leap of thought

Huh..so just realized that I have 10 followers. Cum on, seriously!! You guys!!

So well, today is not just any other day to sit down and write down a post. Today is leap year day! This day is the "fields medal" day of or Earth. Given its scarcity, people should have made a big deal about this day as to doing something significant, something difficult or something impossible. Considering all the fuss about New Year's day that comes every year or Valentine's day (a.k.a depressing day of the year), this day is damp squib. Believe it or not, (some really old or obsolete) tradition in some parts of Europe has it that a woman may only propose to a man on leap years. (thanks to wiki!). But if you ask me what I did special for today, my answer is, absolutely nothing. But I am writing this blog, and I am pretty sure you have figured out that this ain't significant either. The title is just a testimony to the day, and not to the magnitude of value of thoughts. I have warned you. So read along if you got time to burn.

I am not a master of segue, so sorry for the abrupt transition. But my mind is. I was thinking about all the people who were born today, and how they get to celebrate their birthdays on the same date only once every four years (if they follow a solar calendar that is). Then my mind wandered to all the people who don't get to celebrate their birthdays at all for a variety. Now I got a bit sad. I always get sad on my birthday but that is because I got one less year to live, and I know that I am nowhere close to where I want to be. If you ask me where I want to be, my honest answer is I have no idea; I am like a wanderer. (But if the hiring managers for those companies to which I have applied for job or internship reading this, I am process oriented, goal driven and analytic.) Aaanyway, so I decided to watch a movie to burn off some time (to my MBA group members, I am doing this only after completing all  required assignments for the week). You can't speak out your mind nowadays! Sheesh!

So the movie was Zindagi na milegi dobara, a hindi movie, a new one, and apparently the last one I got to watch in theatre before leaving to US for my studies. It's a great movie to say the least. It is about three friends (if I had a nickel for every Indian movie that starred with "3 friends"), who get together after 4 years for one of the guy's bachelor party. They will go to Spain, and will participate in 3 sports, chosen by each of them. The movie is about how they go about doing it, the incidents that affect the personality and beliefs of each individual involved. It is a very breezy movie. You should check it out if you got a chance.

In that movie, one guy is a financial investment banker, second one is a builder & heir apparent of a large business, and third one is a writer. Needless to say, lot of these guys have money to burn (obviously, they have decided to have bachelor's party in Spain all the way from India!) So this investment banker guy, he was kinda lower middle class when he was young, had lost his father at a very young age, and so made his life to make himself well off in future. And he did. His flashbacks and majority of sequences are about how he gave importance to career (not to money directly), and stresses the value of money in every transaction of his life. I had to mention that he gives importance to career and not money as I think there is a subtle difference at least in my opinion. Money can be obtained in innumerable number of ways; it is at least admirable to think of obtaining it through one's career (in contrast to say....say stealing or as Frank Abignale Jr did..minting :-))

But his perception about all this would change when he gets to meet  a very lively, live-in-the-moment, and veryyyy pretty (Katrina Kaif) girl in the journey, and he falls for her (obviously) and decides that he would follow her in the journey (to Morocco) and not worry about his investment banking career. One of the "awwww" moments in the movie, and I remember a lot of audience talking about how they want to live a bit extra after the movie. I call it the movie hang over.

The friends would do three (not-so-recreational) sports in the movie: deep sea diving, sky diving, and bull run. My mind right, it is pretty fucked up; it does its own segue. I was like, okay, all is right, you don't want to worry about your career, you want to do all this crazy stuff with this new pretty girl you have just met. All expensive stuff. That's because you have got the money Mr. Investment Banker. A business class flight ticket from London (where he is from in movie) to Madrid airport is  a cool 1600 euros at least? Add to that the awesome villa they were staying, the expensive recreational sports and not to mention the impending journey to Morocco. You can't do all the bloody thing if you ain't got money. That's what I thought. I know!! In one of the scenes after deep sea diving, this girl would would ask him, "Why I saw tears in your eyes (this guy would be overawed after the experience). Were you ever in tears when you received your paycheque?" Smooth lines, but the reality is that it was this paycheque that helped him to have this experience and hence, the tears of joy.

I am not arguing that money buys everything; there are many many things I personally know that any amount of money cannot buy. But it is about the fact that glorifying certain things above money, but those that cannot be had if it weren't for the money. You cannot just live life by grazing around doing whatever you want. We humans aren't designed that way. Two or three times a day, we get a primitive feeling that almost suppresses every other reaction; hunger. When you are hungry, you got to eat, and to eat..well you know where I am going.

The reason I am saying this is that I have seen many people get absolutely carried away with the message of of the movie, or with those innumerable posts I get to see now on facebook walls.
But I am digressing. This post is for the normal folks -- the average Joes, Moes and well...anyone. Just because you had an epiphany to have fun in your lift, you cannot and shouldn't leave everything behind. It is finicky and cowardly. Take everything you see/hear with a pinch of salt. It is understandable that you want a break, you want to go away. Everybody feels that. But not everyone is in the same capacity to do it. Imagination has no limit, and that's why it's a bitch. But you got to understand your reality.

Yaaawn.

Ever since my last outrageous dream-slash-nightmare only to not remember that in full after I woke up, I told myself that as soon as I wake up from a similar experience, I would note it down and may be start a chronicle of sorts. Today was one of those days, and I thought I'd give you a glimpse as to what is happening inside my head, even when I am not aware of it.

Ok...so I have to skip the first episode, as it is, well, between someone and me, so I'll jump to the  next one.

This one, is straight out of a Spielberg Movie. So I was in this airport with my friends in Chennai. But this ain't the Chennai airport. In fact, even the best of the international airports I have seen don't come close to whats about to happen inside this airport. First of all, like all dreams we have no idea where were we before the airport episode. Second, I have no idea why are we there; we sure didn't receive anyone at the airport. On a passing note, two guys I knew loooooong time back were just coming back to Chennai from abroad. Weird thing is neither of them were in US and neither of them stay at Chennai. But it is a dream, so anyway. And then, the most outrageous thing happens. From the top, something like small satellites drop down, dozens of them. They don't fall on the floor at once, but hold themselves in suspension until the people underneath them clear, and then gently fall on the floor. Now my friends immediately look to hold on to something, and so does everyone else. Before I ask them why they do that, the entire airport stretch elevates, something akin to an open bridge when a ship goes underneath. This makes the satellite-like things to go to the corner, or almost, until the floor is held inclined. And when everything is settled, people just went to one of those satellite thing, opened it and took something. My friends and I went to the one near us, and we opened it. Guess what was in it? Apparently, it contained the food that we ordered (in the distant past of the dream that is now very vague). I was like.."whoa..cool." And of course, I went on to gorge on brownies (no guess needed to know who ordered that one!)

Now back to reality, I woke up to my alarm at 6:00 AM. Feeling just so lazy after a long day yesterday and decided to go back to sleep...just for a little while. And now the part 2 starts..almost immediately I went back to sleep.

So I am back at the airport, but somewhere at basement here you have this hugeee shopping complex (Chennai airport would be so cool if it were this) and I seem to have lost my friends. As I am going through the shops, there this flagrant transvestite, who starts to hit on me. I was like running away from him/her, and before even I realize I am being stalked and chased. I start running away like crazy, I get out of the airport apartment and then fly out to the streets. It is about 8 PM in the night I guess, judging by the thickness of city traffic. As I am in the process of searching my friends, I see them at the end of the street where. Before I call out to them, one of my friend (Ram) calls out for me "Riaz Gaffooooor." Weird, why would any of my friends call me using that name...but again it is a dream. And then suddenly, one guy who was in the vicinity, catches the shirt of my friend and asked, "did you mean RIAZ GAFFOOR? I am searching for him, where is he?" And at that moment I come to the scene, and this guy takes a piece of log that lay nearby and says, "I have been searching you for so long." Before I even comprehend what the hell is happening, we are surrounded by couple of dozen people armed with all sorts of non-ammo tools (Chennai style). I was like, dude why?, and then he says, "remember sometime back you threw a ball back in this street to a group of people who were playing. The ball you threw hit one of our friend's arm and that lead to a blood clot which lead to a complicated heart condition with which he now has to live for ever." I was like, dude. Now I get a flashback within my dream (oh yeah!), and I now remember what I did. Coming back to my senses --in the dream that is-- I asked to talk to the person whom I apparently inflicted the injury upon. That person came -- I swear I had seen him before -- and said to him, "Man, I didn't mean it." He was like, "yeah it is alright, these guys are just making a big thing out of it." He then talked to the crowd and all was well.

Not sure how much had elapsed after that, now I was somewhere, I think it was in one of my friend's place. We are planning a birthday party, and we are in the process of inviting the rest of the gang. And then flash forward, I am reading Business Process Management, which incidentally happened to be the last one I read before going to sleep.

And then I wake up from the slumber, it is now 7:00 AM and I hurry to get ready for a long Monday.

It's definitely a different feeling to jot down what I had dreamed about. I feel that there are so many of my characteristics are evident from most of these episodes, like how much I miss my friends and hanging out with them. Rest, I have no explanation!! 1 to 10 on outrageous scale, this one is probably at 3-4 ish level. I have had 9s and 10s in the past, and I wish I had remember more of them for they would have made some of the best stories.